Healthy, satisfying, functional love used to massively unnatural to me. I grew up witnessing my mothers toxic, controlling, abusive relationship with my former step father and
because of the lack of a positive example for me I had all kinds of crazy ideas and issues to work out in my relationships that were always toxic from a young age.
My biggest pattern for awhile was attracting emotionally unavailble men, 1 in particular for 5 years(I couldn’t take a hint) I was hooked. I felt pathetic and not good enough.
I eventually decided I couldn’t take anymore and built walls, I became cold and closed off.(I called myself the Ice Queen) I became emotionally unavailable myself and attracted men that were way more into me than I was them, then I attracted men that wanted to save and control me and I fell in love with one of them.
After our break up I was a mess and I decided that I had to work on myself.
So I worked on myself esteem, my body image issues that spiraled into an eating disorder..
Then i confronted my deepest fears, my codependency issues, my inability to open up(Ice Queen) which led me to deeply heal my childhood wounds. I healed my mommy issues that seemed to be the root of my self esteem issues after feeling like my whole life she chose an abuser over me, I healed my daddy issues that taught me men will just leave and no one will ever save you, and I healed my step daddy issues that taught me love is scary, it’s a trap, don’t trust men.
Because the truth is, that wasn’t my truth, that was learned and conditioned and my SOUL truth was COMPLETELY different.